SportsBlah - French Open Barty Party Outrage

Newly crowned French Open champ, Aussie Ashleigh Barty has been widely condemned by the Australian tennis community. 

"It was a win but frankly I'm disgusted by Ash Barty's attitude," said compatriot Nick Kyrgios, winner of the Best Dummy Spit in Sport for three years in a row. 

"Where was the racquet abuse, yelling or sulking? She didn't even get into one slanging match with someone from the crowd."

Fellow Australian tennis great, winner of zero Grand Slam titles and counting, Bernard 'The Tanking Engine' Tomic also weighed in. 

"Barty's win in the final was bad enough but it was her effort in the semi that disgusted me," said Tomic at his latest post match apology press conference, "You know, she went from 5-0 up to lose the first set of the semi and was down 0-3 in the second and she didn't just give up. Unbelievable, you wouldn't catch me doing that."

There have been calls for Tennis Australia to censure Barty who, to the shock of many, has maintained her usual dignified silence.

Beware the Ides of May

A tearful Theresa May has she announced her resignation as Britain's PM. Standing in front of 10 Downing St, she acknowledged the support her Brexit plans had received from her colleagues in the Conservative Party and gave assurances she would give her successor the same in return. 

Tomic the Tanking Engine

Who’s that puffing down the track on the island of Sordor? Heave Ho, it’s Tomic the Tanking Engine! Here is the Fat-shamed Controller saying something to him. 

“Hello Tomic, shouldn’t you be chugging up Roland Garros Mountain to get a new improved heartilage for your main boiler.?”

“I tried to get there, I think I did. Hmm, at least I think I remember I thought I tried.”

“But Tomic, you haven’t even made it to the end of the platform.”

“It’s really hard.”

“Now Tomic, aren’t you inspired by those who have conquered Roland Garros before you, like Laver the Rocket engine and Roache the Coach train?”

“What? Who? Never heard of them. I just want to be more like Nick the Curious locomotive”

“But Tomic, he only toots his foofle valve, makes a spectacle of himself, then never goes up the mountain.”

“Exactly.”

Whale of a Time

Environmental News

A newsconference held by the Taskforce WhaleWatch has heralded the success of its whale trap and release tracking programme. 

Spokesperson, Corina Cullem said, “Taskforce WhaleWatch is pleased to announce the capture of this season's first humpback whale in lobster ropes off the Victorian Coast. This clearly demonstrates that the joint Federal and State Government plan to deploy extra shark nets and fishing traps up the Australian east coast will be highly successful in allowing us to track whale migration. The more whales we catch and release, hopefully alive, the better picture we will create."

Taskforce WhaleWatch also announced plans to expand the netting programme into deeper waters.

"It's only a dream at the moment," said Ms Cullem, " But one day we'll nab one of those blue whales, fingers crossed anyway."

Reality TV - Neighbourhood Watch Ep 101 - Meeting Scotty

Last night's episode of surprise hit reality TV show Neighbourhood Watch, which follows the trials and tribulations of a group of neighbourhood children, saw the big kid on the block, Donald, playing with Scotty for the first time since Scotty moved into the street. 

We watched as Scotty was chased down to the creek by Bill S, only for Bill to fall over his shoelaces, bloodying his nose and running home to his mother. Donald could be seen laughing at these antics then going over and patting Scotty on the back.

Later, when it was time for everyone to go home, Scotty recorded his thoughts in the Watch Room, 
The Watcher - You got chased pretty hard by Bill today.
Scotty - Heck, I thought Bill was going to get me for sure. 
The Watcher - How did you get o with Donald
Scotty - How good's Donald? He says I'm his third bestest friend ever. And he said did I wanna play Pokemon trading cards with Xi Jinping from the house on the corner? He reckons we're going to Win. Win. Win. We're gonna win so much we'll get tired of winning. So, I said I'd meet him in the treehouse in the morning.

NZ Kidnapping Attempt Foiled

Breaking News from New Zealand. 

An apparent kidnapping attempt on New Zealand's wildly popular Labour Prime Minister, Jacinda Adern, has been foiled by the quick action of her Personal Protection Officer, Jake Heke. 

The kidnappers have been identified as members of the splinter group known as The Real ALP. In a Tweet released after the failed attempt, the rebel group declared, "We regret nothing except not trying this before the Australian election."

Whitehouse Harmony

In a rare display of bi-partisanship, President Donald Trump and  House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi have simultaneously stormed out of their latest Whitehouse summit. "He's completely unfit," stated Pelosi.

"And let's face it, so is she, believe me" chimed in the President  "So, to improve our fitness we stormed out together. It was the quickest storm out of anybody in the history of politics."

 "I call it a win for democracy and the American people," agreed Pelosi

Looking to build on this common ground, it's expected the two leaders will compete together on 22June in the Running with the Devil marathon, Las Vegas where they plan on discussing their mutual dislike of the Mueller Report findings.

Covfefe the Great and Golden

Supplicants from technology giant Google have made the pilgrimage to the Oracle of Covfefe.

Following the traditional Smoke and Mirrors ceremony, the party was granted an audience with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Covfefe's head prognosticator here on this mortal plane.

"Oh great Soothsayer Sarah, we humbly beseech Covfefe the Great and Golden, to guide us in these troubling times."

A giant cell phone reportedly appeared in the sky bearing the words, "No way Huawei."

Head Google searcher cried aloud, "What does this mean?"

Soothsayer Sarah is quoted as saying, "Lo, quail and quiver thou unworthies, Covfefe the All Wise has revealed that the Huawei smart phone is the world's bigliest security risk. Did you know its super spy camera takes photos that are so good, you can clearly see outer-space from the Great Wall of China."

The Divine Oracle ended her reading in the usual manner by pointing to the behind everyone and exclaiming, "Dear God, what's that?" then hightailing it out the front door.

In related Australian security news, ASIO Secret-Squirrel-in-Chief, Duncan Lewis, responding to questions at a Senate Estimates hearing has moved to reassure all Australians that the two Chinese agents, code named Wang Wang and Funi, currently being held at Adelaide's super-max prison, known locally as The Zoo, posed no security risk. "Are you nuts? Have you seen their hands, they're more like paws. How could they even take a photo?"

After further probing regarding whether the two detainees had access to Snapchat, Mr Lewis conceded, "Oh sure, doesn't everyone?"

The Turquoise Army

Speaking outside an election booth, Malcolm Turnbull, campaign manager for Zali Steggall the new Independent member for Warringah, has revealed the defeat of former PM Tony Abbott was down to the "turquoise vote." 

Mr Turnbull commented, "We needed to position the campaign as pro-environment yet not as extreme as the Greens and at the same time project some conservative blue without being as hard right as Mr Abbott, hence the turquoise."

On hearing this one Warringah voter was heard to comment, "Shit, did I just vote Labor?"

Brexit Breakthrough

Overseas News. 

In anticipation of successfully wrapping up an orderly Brexit exit by 31 October 2074, British PM Theresa May, with the full backing of Parliament, has in announced a raft of measures designed to assure the public that there will be no shortage of workers ready to step into jobs vacated by soon-to-be-illegal Euro workers. 

Already, Queen Elisabeth, in her new role as head of security for Sainsbury's, has completed her audit of self-service checkouts at the supermarket giant. She is quoted as saying, "There'll be no further diddling of goods under one's watch." A crack Beefeater task force is set to be deployed.

In related news, Princes William and Harry have been allocated new, real world posts. Wills is set to take up a sales consultancy position at Advanced Hair Studios while Hazza has accepted the role of head researcher at whosyourdaddy.com.