Covfefe the Great and Golden

Supplicants from technology giant Google have made the pilgrimage to the Oracle of Covfefe.

Following the traditional Smoke and Mirrors ceremony, the party was granted an audience with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Covfefe's head prognosticator here on this mortal plane.

"Oh great Soothsayer Sarah, we humbly beseech Covfefe the Great and Golden, to guide us in these troubling times."

A giant cell phone reportedly appeared in the sky bearing the words, "No way Huawei."

Head Google searcher cried aloud, "What does this mean?"

Soothsayer Sarah is quoted as saying, "Lo, quail and quiver thou unworthies, Covfefe the All Wise has revealed that the Huawei smart phone is the world's bigliest security risk. Did you know its super spy camera takes photos that are so good, you can clearly see outer-space from the Great Wall of China."

The Divine Oracle ended her reading in the usual manner by pointing to the behind everyone and exclaiming, "Dear God, what's that?" then hightailing it out the front door.

In related Australian security news, ASIO Secret-Squirrel-in-Chief, Duncan Lewis, responding to questions at a Senate Estimates hearing has moved to reassure all Australians that the two Chinese agents, code named Wang Wang and Funi, currently being held at Adelaide's super-max prison, known locally as The Zoo, posed no security risk. "Are you nuts? Have you seen their hands, they're more like paws. How could they even take a photo?"

After further probing regarding whether the two detainees had access to Snapchat, Mr Lewis conceded, "Oh sure, doesn't everyone?"

The Turquoise Army

Speaking outside an election booth, Malcolm Turnbull, campaign manager for Zali Steggall the new Independent member for Warringah, has revealed the defeat of former PM Tony Abbott was down to the "turquoise vote." 

Mr Turnbull commented, "We needed to position the campaign as pro-environment yet not as extreme as the Greens and at the same time project some conservative blue without being as hard right as Mr Abbott, hence the turquoise."

On hearing this one Warringah voter was heard to comment, "Shit, did I just vote Labor?"

Brexit Breakthrough

Overseas News. 

In anticipation of successfully wrapping up an orderly Brexit exit by 31 October 2074, British PM Theresa May, with the full backing of Parliament, has in announced a raft of measures designed to assure the public that there will be no shortage of workers ready to step into jobs vacated by soon-to-be-illegal Euro workers. 

Already, Queen Elisabeth, in her new role as head of security for Sainsbury's, has completed her audit of self-service checkouts at the supermarket giant. She is quoted as saying, "There'll be no further diddling of goods under one's watch." A crack Beefeater task force is set to be deployed.

In related news, Princes William and Harry have been allocated new, real world posts. Wills is set to take up a sales consultancy position at Advanced Hair Studios while Hazza has accepted the role of head researcher at whosyourdaddy.com.